‘PTV rebranding foils terror attack’

I found the following media release on the Public Transport Victoria website this morning…

Public Transport Victoria rebranding foils terror attack
1 April, 2014

A terror attack on Melbourne rail network has disrupted services across the city but has not caused any major injuries or deaths. It was revealed today that a terrorist group had erected a concrete wall across the tracks at Melbourne Central station. Unsuspecting train drivers would be tricked into driving into the wall by a large photograph of the station pasted onto the face of the wall.

XTrapolis train at Melbourne Central platform 4

It is believed the wall was put into place in the early hours of the morning, after the last train had run. Today’s 5:16am train from Frankston would have been the first crushed against the wall, if it was not for the quick actions of the train driver.

The driver said “I was bringing the train into Melbourne Central station, and noticed that there were none of those ugly Public Transport Victoria signs attached to every friggin’ wall in the station, and thought to myself, it was about bloody time they got rid of ’em. But then I realised that all of the station signs said ‘Museum’ and I started to get worried. The fact that every passenger on the platform looked like they had stepped out a 1980s movie was the last straw. I slammed on the emergency brake, and pulled up short of this concrete wall by only a few metres. It was a good thing I wasn’t driving a Siemens train today.”

Metro Trains Melbourne spokesperson congratulated the driver, saying “the public will be pleased that such vigilant drivers are in charge of our trains.” He also said that “it was extremely lucky that Metro Trains Melbourne had put its photography ban in the City Loop into action at the time we did. If not, terrorists could have taken a much more recent photograph of the station, and would have tricked even the most alert train driver into running into the wall.”

Transport Minister Terry Mulder said that this terrorist attempt shows that “Napthine Government initiatives such as the renaming of Southern Cross Station back to Spencer Street Station will prevent further similar attacks being carried out at other places around the network.”

It is believed the Napthine Government, in conjunction with counter-terrorism experts and Metro Trains Melbourne, are looking into a scheme where station names will be swapped on a random basis to ensure similar future attacks will fail in the same way. When asked for comment, the transport minister said “we are looking into it at this stage.

Police have released an artists impression of one suspected terrorist:

Wile E. Coyote

Chief Commissioner of the Victoria Police Ken Lay said that this man is armed with such dangerous weapons as rocket powered roller skates, and a jet propelled unicycle. Members of the general public should not approach him, but contact the police immediately. He also said that any concrete companies asked to deliver concrete onto railway tracks should call the National Security Hotline as a matter of urgency.

When the Public Transport Victoria CEO was asked for further comment, he said Meep! Meep! and ran off down the road.


I originally published this piece way back in 2006, with only minor changes needed to update it for the current day:

  • Metro Trains Melbourne now runs Melbourne’s trains, not Connex
  • Public Transport Victoria took over coordination of Metlink
  • The Liberals are now in government, not Labor
  • Changing Southern Cross Station back to Spencer Street is on the agenda, not the other way around
  • Ken Lay is now the Chief Commissioner of the Victoria Police

As for public money being wasted on rebranding our public transport network, and faulty brakes on the Siemens trains – those never get old!

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3 Responses to “‘PTV rebranding foils terror attack’”

  1. TheLoadedDog says:

    Well played, sir!

  2. scott says:

    Happy April fools Marcus!

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